Much to say, not a lot of time or desire to type it right about now. So, this is the cliff's note version. The novel version will be later.

The Ankle: My ankle feels like its about 70% of the way back. Thats awesome at this point. I have no pain and the weakness is the only thing holding me back.

My Bucket List: I am going snow boarding January 29-31. So stinking excited. Thats one item to check off my list.

Back to School: Its official. I am back in school and I declared my major as biomedical science. I'll be getting a second bachelors degree. WooHoo. Even more excited about this than I am about the snowboarding trip.

Med School: Its part of the plan and its on my list of things to do. My biomed degree should take 2.5 years. Crazy part is that the planning and preparing to get into med school begins now. Fun stuff.

Tis all for now. My bed awaits me.

I believe in me

What an amazingly positive week. Every day has felt better and better. The pain in my toes is almost completely gone. Every now and then I get a slight bit of pain when I push off from my toes, but this is nothing compared to what it was even just a week ago. My toes were at risk for being removed a week ago.

All in all the pain is pretty much gone in my ankle. For the first time in 4 months my ankle is pain free and feeling good. There is definately an end in sight for all of this. I am even back to walking faster than everyone. On Wednesday my dad and I went to South Bend to search for new house furniture. My current mission is to start to replace my furniture piece by piece in the style that reflects my personality. We were in Value City Furniture roaming up and down the aisles and my dad kept telling me to slow down. It was nice to be able to walk faster than others once again!

So, the house project...If I were rich I would just go to the store and buy everything I need. But thats not an option, so its going to have to be piece by piece. My kitchen is pretty much the way I want it. My living room and bedroom are the next up to be redone. My couch is being replaced with two red leather chairs. I am getting ready to paint my walls white and then add geometric shapes for effect. the shapes will be bold colors. The coffee table is being replaced with a black leather ottoman/storage box. As for my bedroom...I hate wood and I hate antique. My new bed is a black platform bed. I need to find a new dresser as the current one is wood and antique. The only problem is that its my sisters old dresser and I cannot fully part with it. So I will put it in my guest bedroom. All of this is still a work in progress, but I am excited about all of it.

The other exciting thing? I am finally back in school!!!!!!!!! It only took nearly two years for me to make up my mind. Actually, its more accurate to say that it only took my entire lifetime for me to be confident enough with myself to actually follow my dreams. When I was in 9th grade our class did a career unit. The culmination of the unit was to write "Career" papers. I wrote mine on being a Doctor. But, I have never really believed that I could actually do something like that. The truth being is that my self-esteem was always very low.

My councelor and I have been working on how I can be more confident in myself as a person. The past few months have been trying, but at the same time I feel like strides have been made in this area. For the first time in my life I really do believe that this is something I can do. Its more than just believing that I am smart enough to go to Medical School, its something so much deeper. Its a feeling of believing that I can be me and that is enough.

So, me is back in school. Me is taking pre-med classes beginning in January. Me was an English major (can you tell based on my 'correct' use of me :)) I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But again, this is more than just believing that I have what it takes to be a Doctor...this is believing in me in every aspect of my life.

Yeah, its cool! :)

Pot of Gold

For the first time in the four months since my ankle injury happened I finally feel like there is an end in sight for this frustrating and wearisome journey. For most of the day today my foot and ankle felt normal, the pain was minimal to non-existant, and I did many of my 'regular' activities. I walked one mile on the treadmill at the gym, and I swam a mile. It felt incredibly good to walk a distance longer than the one from my house to my car. Swimming felt perfect, I was flying, and the cardio workout was much needed.

My activities are now solely focused around building up and strengthening my leg muscles. At first the thought of rehabbing without going through formal PT scared the crap out of me. Two weeks into the process its a lot less of a scary feeling. Actually, I am feeling more and more determined as each day goes by, which keeps me going at the gym. My this point, a full recovery is the only outcome that will be acceptable to me.

My bathroom mirror has July 31, 2010 written across it. That is the date of the Whirlpool Steelhead Triathalon...and I will be at both the starting line and the finish line a few hours later. It seems crazy to think about and I have had plenty of people remind me of exactly how much surgery I have been through, but its my dream. After all the surgery I have been through, being there and completing that triathalon would be just so much more meaningful and incredible. Its that dream that keeps me going, gets me out of bed in the morning. And if it does not happen in 2010...there is always 2011.

Even if tomorrow is more painful and not as 'normal' as today...it won't discourage me. My recovery is moving forward and progress is being made every day. Some days will be better than others and there will be small setbacks along the way. I can see the finish line...although I like to think of it more as the pot of Gold...

Dear Santa

Oh how the joys of the first few weeks of true rehab after surgery had escaped my mind. One would think it would be nearly impossible to forget the joys of trying to locate muscles that are long gone...but my mind seems to have completely blanked out those few joyous weeks. Its been a week without the walking boot and my memory has been painfully refreshed on how hard the first few weeks can be. That is why I will be asking Santa for a new peroneal tendon for Chirstmas. Starting with a new one has got to be less painful than dealing with this old, battered, bruised, and cranky peroneal tendon.

Surprisingly the majority of the pain is coming from my arch and toes. My theory is that those muscles have gone completely unused for so long that they too are atrophied. Every push-off with my toes makes me want to chop them all off. Again, not having toes is sure to be less painful than dealing with the pain of using my toes once again.

There is joy in swimming in the pool that no other activity can bring. This is the only time during the day that I can move freely and not have any pain in my ankle. Plus, the cardio workout is good for not only the body, but the soul as well.

There is still such a long way to go before my ankle even begins to resemble or act like a normal ankle. My calf is starting to show signs of coming back to life, but even that is a long way to go. The theme of this update is a long way to go. This journey is still so far from being over. I need to keep myself constantly encouraged. In the end all of this will be worth it.

step up, step down...and repeat

Yesterday was my 8 week post-op appointment from my ankle surgery. After all the worrying, it all turned out okay. There are a few minor issues, but nothing that won't resolve with time. Now the fun begins...go to the gym and locate those lost muscles.

Wasted no time in hitting the gym. Got home from Detroit at 6:30 and after and hour of tending to the doggies, headed straight for the gym. Its all about the basics right now. Walked a half mile around the track and got amazingly excited. It does not take much to excite me right now. Also worked on stepping up and down off a 4 inch step. This was the highlight of working out last night, it brings back oh so fond memories of rehabbing from knee surgery.

But the highlight of the night is reserved for the hour spent sitting on the floor of my closet trying on all of my shoes. It was so exciting to be able to wear both the right and left shoe that trying all my shoes on seemed to be a logical thing to do. The huge grin could not be dislodged from my face the entire night...it was pure bliss.

Okay, now would be a good time to trust God

I see Dr Manoli in two days and I am freaking out about the appointment. My ankle had been doing well until about 10 days ago. Then in the past 10 days the tendon has started to snap again, the pain is considerably more, and the ankle is generally behaving like it did before surgery. In talking to my surgeon it sounds like there is a good chance that the tendon or one of the other supporting structures got retorn. The recovery has been uneventful except for one incident that happened at 4 days after surgery. It looks like this incident may have cause the tendon to retear.

Whatever is going on its out of my control. I will try not to worry until I know what I am dealing with. Even if it means that this surgery has failed and the surgery needs to be repeated...I am going to try to remain calm. It will all work out in the end. I am trusting God on this one.

do these socks match?

More so than ever before I have found myself being particularly nostalgic and reflective the past 7 weeks. This is largely due to having no other options as recovering from ankle surgery means there is a lot of time to sit on the couch and think about deep things. Of course out of boredom my thoughts have even managed to settle on wondering what type of thoughts were really going through my Cairn Terriers head. A large portion of this unwanted but unavoidable downtime has also been spent dedicated to teaching Benny and Sally stupid dog tricks. Learned something very important here...they will do almost anything for the right kind of treat.

When my mind is not drifting off to random unless thoughts, an equally large portion of my time has been spent trying to answer the very simple question, "what the hell am I doing with my life." Its a very simple question, but when there is not much else to do for 7 weeks, my mind tends to go into great depths answering this question. After 7 weeks of pondering and deep thought the answer is no closer than it was at the beginning of the quest for knowledge. However, one very key conclusion has been reached, I want things to be different.

For the past 6 years I have been fighting, not physically, and not with most people. Rather, for the past 6 years since losing Nicole a dark cloud of anger has covered nearly every thought and every part of my soul. Six years later and I do not even recognize the person I used to be before Nicole died. Before it seems that I am about to launch on a self-defeating trirade, let me make a disclaimer. That disclaimer is that I am proud of the growth I have made as a person and I feel I have dealt with and handled Nicole's death in the best way that I can. What I mean by the statement that I do not even recognize the person I am not compared to the person I was before Nicole died.

Somebody described me 8 years ago as an upbeat, positive, and outgoing person. 8 years later, I am more outgoing than I used to be. But, these days the glass always seems to be half empty. The glass was never even close to being half empty before Nicole died. This is where the dark cloud of anger comes into the picture. Over the past 7 weeks I have concluded that I am ready to stop 'fighting' with the world. For the first time in years I am seeing the glass as half-full again. Its a refreshing feeling.


So, the ankle. Knee surgery is far easier than ankle surgery. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. There really is not much to report until after my appointment on the 17th. After that things should start to progress a little bit more.

So in the meantime, I have spent the past few days making sure I can find my right shoes. They are lonely. On the downside, not I am going to have to make sure my socks match in the morning.

5 week update

Tomorrow will be five weeks since my surgery. Its amazing how fast the time flies...but its not passing fast enough! :) Overall I am very pleased with my progress so far in the first five weeks since my surgery. Three more weeks in the boot and then I get to wear two shoes! Here is a rundown of how things are going with my ankle:

Pain: Towards the end of the summer, even before the ankle got injured, there was a considerable amount of pain. The pain was horrible right after the injury and then even worse after the surgery. However, for the past two weeks I have had almost no pain at all. This weekend the pain spiked a bit because I was on my feet a lot and traveled up to Saginaw. But, compared to where it was, the pain is so much better. Additionally, this spring I got severe pain in the outside of my calf and it caused me to stop running for about 6 weeks. It turns out that this pain was connected to my ankle and there is no more pain in my calf.

Movement: The only movement allowed right now is dorsiflexion and plantarflexion, no inversion or eversion allowed for another three weeks. I have pretty much full range of motion in both of these directions. Its a little bit short on the plantar flexion (pointing my toes) but I think it went too far before and now its tightened up a bit and therefore a little less flexible. My tendon used to snap everytime I flexed my foot and it has not snapped once since I had surgery. YAY!

Swelling: The swelling needs to make up its mind! One day its puffy and looks like the marshmellow man's foot and the next day there is not any swelling.

Activity: My Surgeon said I can do anything I want as long as the boot stays on it. So, no riding a bike or swimming for a few more weeks. I have gotten back to lifting upper body, doing yoga and pilates, and walking. My neighborhood is a half mile loop and I walk my dogs three times a day. Benny and Sally love it and its actually been pretty fun. I have met a ton of my neighbors by doing this and they have all been very nice.

My Knees: I am pleased to say that there has been no pain at all in my knees even though I have been in a walking boot for 10 weeks. Walking boots can be hard on normal, healthy knees and the changes in gait patterns can also be hard on healthy knees. My knees have not even so much as 'complained' one bit.

Overall: I am pleased with the progress and cannot wait to get the boot off on November 17th. I plan to hit the pool and get on a bike as soon as I can. The fact that there is almost no pain is such a positive thing. I really did not realize how much pain my ankle had been causing me until it got too bad. Now that the problem is fixed my ankle feels worlds better. There is still a long way to go in the recovery process, but so far things are off to a wonderful start.

no second chances

I was at a Bible Study last night where the topic was John Bunyon and the idea of suffering. The topic of suffering seems to be a common Bible Study discussion. The truth is that nobody actually likes to suffer and go through trials and tribulations, but we all have them in our lives. Some people go through more than others, but no one is immune to trials in their lives. We cannot control what will happen to us or even when it will happen to us. The only thing we can control is what our response will be to those negative events.

John Bunyon spent 12 years in jail followed by another year after his intial release. The conditions of his jail sentence were not legitimate and beyond his control. He was sentenced to jail because of his faith. Prior to being sent to jail he married and had his first child. That child was born blind. He went on to have four more children. He then lost his wife and later remarried. Obviously he could have been bitter about so many of the circumstances in his life, but instead he remained hopeful and even wrote several very inspiring books while in jail.

Clearly, I do not quite follow the example of how to handle trials in ones life that was set by John Bunyon. I wish I had more strength some days to rise higher than I do and to handle trials with more grace, wisdom, character, and glory to God. My mistakes along the way are many and at times I wonder if I will ever 'get it right'. More now that ever I remind myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I cannot change my past mistake, there is little I can do to 'make it right, but I can change the way I react to the negatives in my life. My hope is that I can grow to be more like the person God wants me to be, to take trials with more joy and less grumbling.

My dad always tells me to 'do the best I can'. This is one of the "Four Agreements" in the book that my dad bought for me. My dad tries to live his life by the "Four Agreements". I have spent the better part of the past 7 years since he bought me that book looking for ways to make fun of him for liking the book. Yet somehow, no matter how much I try to avoid it, I know that in this situation my dad is correct. I am only now learning what it really means to 'do the best that I can'.

None of this is meant to be a time to beat up on myself and dwell on all my past mistakes which will ultimately bring down my attitude and be self-defeating. This fall has presented more challenges than I ever expected. There are many aspects of those challenges where I feel good about the decisions I made and the way that I handled the trials presented to me. However, there are other aspects where I am not so proud of the choices that I made and the way I chose to handle things. Being realistic and honest, I am acknowledging these things to myself and trying to do what I can to improve things and keep the negatives from happening again.

There are no such things as 'second chances' in life. I wish there were and I wish I had an unlimited supply of them waiting for me to use whenever I screwed up on something. If someone out there knows something about this idea of second chances that I seem to be missing...please fill me in on the details. For as far as I can tell, there is only one chance in life. We have the opportunities to make corrections along the way, but that one chance is all we have before us.

No one ever told me adulthood would be so confusing and so challenging. It always seemed so cool as a kid to be an adult.

Heaven on earth?

Life is good right now. I have four new pairs of shoes. One of which is exactly like my favorite pair of red heels, but they are flats. DSW Shoes is heaven on earth. Its a good thing there is not one near me...I'd be broke. :) It was slightly depressing to see all those amazing heels and not be able to wear them. So I found other shoes that made me happy. I got a pair of Merrels, a pair of Born's, and a pair of "fashion sneakers". I cannot wait to wear the right and left one.

On to the important stuff...my ankle appointment. I had my first Post-Op appointment today. I am happy to say that it went very well. Leaving the stitches in for three weeks made it quite the chore to get them out, but after a little bit of tugging and pulling the stitches eventually came out of my skin. This incision will not be pretty at all. Its about two inches long and on the outside of my ankle.

Five more weeks with the boot. Thats good because I would not have wanted to do something crazy, like wear my right and left shoe on the same day. I can work on getting back range of motion with plantar flexion and dorsiflexion. (for those who are not dorky like me...moving my toes up and down.) No side to side movement for another 5 weeks. No bike, or activity more demanding than a bike for 5 weeks. I can lift upper body, do core workouts, and even a little yoga as long as I do not balance on my right foot. And I can start to do light swimming in about two weeks...if I use my upper body mostly.

I want this all to be over now. Actually, I wanted it all to be over ten years ago. But, this is not going to be a pity party at all. The good news is that I have a lot less pain than before surgery...almost none really. When I flexed my foot today my tendon did not snap. So, things are heading in the right direction and that is encouraging.

Bedtime. Work tomorrow. And the dogs are getting into something which I should probably check on...

Top Ten List

Its been three weeks since all of the fun of surgery. This is really the first time since the surgery that I have felt both the desire or the motivation to update on anything. Things have been crazy in my life since the surgery and for the past few weeks the fact that I had surgery was the least of my concerns.

I see Dr Manoli tomorrow. That is a good thing because I am going crazy not being able to move my ankle or do anything that would even remotely feel like progress with my recovery. Nope, instead I am going to work, coming home, and pretty much sitting on my butt all day with a very large, heavy, and ugle boot on my foot. Although my original instructions were to leave my foot wrapped in the original dressing until I saw Dr M on the 13th...that did not happen. I am proud to say I made it a whole 10 days before I gave in and unwrapped the ankle. Its pretty swollen, but not all that bruised. The scar is about two inches long and on the outside of my ankle.

This whole process has been a difficult one. Ever since my unfortunate Naschair incident on August 7th I have been either on crutches, wearing a boot, or attempting to limp around unsuccessfully. However, about a week ago I realized that the pain was significantly less than it had been before surgery.

My list of goals and plans for after recovery is growing everyday. Its good because honestly some days I need something to focus on that is not my ankle or the other issues that have been in front of me. Here is the list as of today:
1.) Learn how to Snow Board this winter.
2.) Go downhill skiing
3.) Cross country ski a lot
4.) Run by the end of January
5.) Run a 5K race by April
6.) Lory's Place 5k in May
7.) Firecracker Triathalon in early July
8.) Steelhead Tri in late July
9.) Surf a lot
10.) Hike Middle Teton in August

Okay, okay I know this is all incredibly optimistic and in most ways unrealistic...work with me here. It feels good to have some goals and even if I do not make all of them, I at least have something to motivate me. The past 10 weeks have been tourture. I hate sitting still.

I am finally getting back into school in January. It only took a few years to figure out what I really want to do. Now that I know, I just have to get at it. My desire and my goal for a long time now has been to get a degree in nursing. Things are all set and I am going for it.

Tis all for now. Although the past three weeks have been very difficult and painful, things are looking a lot more positive. I have been so encouraged by my wonderful co-workers, friends, and Church family. Its been a wonderful reminder that I am not alone through anything that happens. So, one foot in front of the other...keep moving forward...all those silly cliches.

Cargo Shorts

And then the happy drugs wore off...

Oh my gosh. I figured going into this surgery that with 4 major knee surgeries behind me that I would be prepared for anything that was thrown my way. Not the case at all. This ankle surgery has been by FAR the most painful one I have ever had. Granted, they did the most work inside my ankle of all the surgeries I have had thus far.

The worst of the pain came on the first night after surgery at the hotel. At about 3am I woke up with my entire foot numb and shooting pain from my toes all the way up my leg. My surgeon was trying to conserve materials and had hoped to use the aircast walking boot that I used before surgery. However, between the swelling and the bandages, there was not enough room in the brace and that was causing all the pain.

So before my mom and I left for home yesterday we went to my surgeons office to get the brace thing straightened out. My surgeon ended up giving me a different brace which has made all the difference.

My mom and I have gotten a good laugh out of my surgeon, Dr. Manoli. This guy knows his stuff when it comes to ankles and feet. I even learned that he has done surgery for a former National Gymnastics Champion. So anyhow, on Monday after my surgery my mom saw him walking around the hospital in Cargo Shorts and a tee-shirt. At his office on Tuesday he was wearing baggy jeans and a large button down shirt. He is totally casual about stuff like that. My mom and I find it humerous.

So its now day two after the surgery. The pain is horrible, all the time, and worse than any surgery I have ever had. This ankle has been an issue for over 10 years and so its good to finally have it fixed. I do know that pain is something that is passing and will get better as time goes on. I see Dr Manoli on October 15th to take the stitches out and see how things are going. After that I can start Physical Therapy. I am wearing this giant boot for about 8 weeks total.

There is a finish line in sight with all of this...its just kind of far away at this point.

fixed

I made it through surgery...again. This experience was a lot different than any of my knee surgery experiences. Ankle surgery is a different beast than the knees.

I left home at 8am this morning. We got there by 11:15am. We were about 30 minutes early so while we waited I taught my mom how to play some of the games on my iPhone. The surgery today was at a surgery center and not a hospital, which is a first. The surgery was supposed to take one hour but ended up taking two. My surgeon deepened the groove in my fibula, repaired the retinaculum (small ligament holding the tendon in place), repaired the tendon, and removed two pieces of muscle that were growing along the tendon and should not have been. The muscle growth is often the bodies response to injury of the peroneal tendon.

So, now comes the fun part, recovery. At present I am in a lot of pain and still feeling pretty doped up from the pain meds and surgery drugs. I'll post more later, but my head feels like its in a cloud and my ankle feels like it got whacked with a sledgehammer.

Bring It...

Tomorrow is the day. I am not nervous as I have been down this road far too many times before. I do dread it because I know the hard work and pain that lies ahead of me. But, this is not going to be about a pity party. There are far worse things to worry about in life and this is just a minor detour.

I dealt with the nerves and anxious feeling today by attacking my house with paper towels and clorox bleach. Its amazing what a little bit of wiping and a lot of sweeping will do to a house. My house looks the best it has ever looked and I honestly did not think about my surgery all day today. Too bad I did not think of this form of stress relief before this surgery. :)

I am leaving at 8:00 tomorrow and have to be at the Surgery Center by noon, not totally sure when the exact surgery time is. The surgery is outpaitent, but I plan to get a hotel in Detroit with my mom tomorrow night. Due to my history of throwing up after surgery when just coming home from Lakeland...my mom will much appreciate the hotel and not a three hour car ride with me puking every 20 seconds.

Mostly I have to say that I am just happy to finally be getting this problem fixed. I miss running, biking, lifting weights, swimming, yoga, pilates, and going for walks. If this is what I need to do to get back to all of that, then BRING IT ON! :)

my bucket list

My bucket list: 1.) Compete in a half ironman triathalon 2.) surf as much as humanly possible 3.) Learn how to snowboard 4.) Go Scuba Diving 5.) Go sky diving 6.) run all day, every day 7.) Go downhill skiing again 8.) Swim in all the Oceans

Yes, I know I am crazy.

4 days to go...

right shoes

I am having ankle surgery on September 21st in Pontiac, MI. This will be my 8th surgery, but my first ankle surgery. I have big goals following my recovery from this surgery and so I want to keep a journal to help track my progress and keep myself motivated. My Ultimate Goal? That would be the Whirlpool Steelhead Triathlon on July 31, 2010. It might be a bit of a lofty goal, but if I do not try, then I will never know.

Background: I injured this ankle when I was 16 years old during swim practice of all things. We were doing starts off the blocks and my foot slipped. I felt something in my ankle and although the pain was not horrible, I knew something was really wrong. The injury was worsened a few days later by my decision to get back in the pool and swim. Long story short, after 18 months and over a dozen visits to an ankle specialist my mom and I were given the diagnosis of it all being in my head.

At 16 years old to be in a lot of pain and be told that something is all in your head, its really tough to take. This hurt me in ways that I am only now realizing. Among other things I was embarassed. So I did the most logical thing I could think of and that was to pretend that nothing was wrong and go on with life. This mostly worked because I was also blessed with crappy knees and so they kept me from being active for many years. My ankle did bother me, but my knees bothered me more.

Early 2009: After 7 surgeries and three years of rehabbing I finally got the all clear for my knees. I resumed heavy activity with a desire to make up for lost time. Probably not the wisest choice, but 8 years of inactivity had made me a tad restless. Early in the year I started to get a nagging pain in my ankle that would not go away. I twisted it while running in April and the pain kept increasing. Doing the most illogical thing I ignored the pain and kept on doing heavy activity.

Summer 2009: By July the pain had grown to be all the time and quite persistant. I managed to still ignore it and keep on running. While on vacation in New Jersey the pain was all the time and I knew something was wrong but still did the foolish thing and ignored it. Honestly, I was afraid to be told once again that the pain was all in my head so I convinced myself it was not as bad as I thought.

The Final Straw: In early August I was racing an office chair and reinjured my ankle. I knew that it was all over at that point and I could not ignore the problem. I finally got a diagnosis, Peroneal Tendon Subluxation. After a few doctor visits and a trip to Pontiac to see a specialist, I finally had not only a diagnosis but also a plan.

The Plan: I am having surgery in Pontiac on September 21st to fix what probably should have been fixed 10 years ago. The idea of more surgery makes me crazy, but I am so relieved to finally have a solution to this very old problem.

The first three weeks will be the next closest thing to torture for me. I will be in a cast on not allowed to put any weight on my foot during that time. Basically, I will have to sit still. Since when do I sit still? The next 6 or so weeks I will have a walking boot on and will be able to start putting weight on my foot.

So after all that, I have just one question...will I be able to find any of my right shoes?