Pot of Gold

For the first time in the four months since my ankle injury happened I finally feel like there is an end in sight for this frustrating and wearisome journey. For most of the day today my foot and ankle felt normal, the pain was minimal to non-existant, and I did many of my 'regular' activities. I walked one mile on the treadmill at the gym, and I swam a mile. It felt incredibly good to walk a distance longer than the one from my house to my car. Swimming felt perfect, I was flying, and the cardio workout was much needed.

My activities are now solely focused around building up and strengthening my leg muscles. At first the thought of rehabbing without going through formal PT scared the crap out of me. Two weeks into the process its a lot less of a scary feeling. Actually, I am feeling more and more determined as each day goes by, which keeps me going at the gym. My this point, a full recovery is the only outcome that will be acceptable to me.

My bathroom mirror has July 31, 2010 written across it. That is the date of the Whirlpool Steelhead Triathalon...and I will be at both the starting line and the finish line a few hours later. It seems crazy to think about and I have had plenty of people remind me of exactly how much surgery I have been through, but its my dream. After all the surgery I have been through, being there and completing that triathalon would be just so much more meaningful and incredible. Its that dream that keeps me going, gets me out of bed in the morning. And if it does not happen in 2010...there is always 2011.

Even if tomorrow is more painful and not as 'normal' as today...it won't discourage me. My recovery is moving forward and progress is being made every day. Some days will be better than others and there will be small setbacks along the way. I can see the finish line...although I like to think of it more as the pot of Gold...

Dear Santa

Oh how the joys of the first few weeks of true rehab after surgery had escaped my mind. One would think it would be nearly impossible to forget the joys of trying to locate muscles that are long gone...but my mind seems to have completely blanked out those few joyous weeks. Its been a week without the walking boot and my memory has been painfully refreshed on how hard the first few weeks can be. That is why I will be asking Santa for a new peroneal tendon for Chirstmas. Starting with a new one has got to be less painful than dealing with this old, battered, bruised, and cranky peroneal tendon.

Surprisingly the majority of the pain is coming from my arch and toes. My theory is that those muscles have gone completely unused for so long that they too are atrophied. Every push-off with my toes makes me want to chop them all off. Again, not having toes is sure to be less painful than dealing with the pain of using my toes once again.

There is joy in swimming in the pool that no other activity can bring. This is the only time during the day that I can move freely and not have any pain in my ankle. Plus, the cardio workout is good for not only the body, but the soul as well.

There is still such a long way to go before my ankle even begins to resemble or act like a normal ankle. My calf is starting to show signs of coming back to life, but even that is a long way to go. The theme of this update is a long way to go. This journey is still so far from being over. I need to keep myself constantly encouraged. In the end all of this will be worth it.

step up, step down...and repeat

Yesterday was my 8 week post-op appointment from my ankle surgery. After all the worrying, it all turned out okay. There are a few minor issues, but nothing that won't resolve with time. Now the fun begins...go to the gym and locate those lost muscles.

Wasted no time in hitting the gym. Got home from Detroit at 6:30 and after and hour of tending to the doggies, headed straight for the gym. Its all about the basics right now. Walked a half mile around the track and got amazingly excited. It does not take much to excite me right now. Also worked on stepping up and down off a 4 inch step. This was the highlight of working out last night, it brings back oh so fond memories of rehabbing from knee surgery.

But the highlight of the night is reserved for the hour spent sitting on the floor of my closet trying on all of my shoes. It was so exciting to be able to wear both the right and left shoe that trying all my shoes on seemed to be a logical thing to do. The huge grin could not be dislodged from my face the entire night...it was pure bliss.

Okay, now would be a good time to trust God

I see Dr Manoli in two days and I am freaking out about the appointment. My ankle had been doing well until about 10 days ago. Then in the past 10 days the tendon has started to snap again, the pain is considerably more, and the ankle is generally behaving like it did before surgery. In talking to my surgeon it sounds like there is a good chance that the tendon or one of the other supporting structures got retorn. The recovery has been uneventful except for one incident that happened at 4 days after surgery. It looks like this incident may have cause the tendon to retear.

Whatever is going on its out of my control. I will try not to worry until I know what I am dealing with. Even if it means that this surgery has failed and the surgery needs to be repeated...I am going to try to remain calm. It will all work out in the end. I am trusting God on this one.

do these socks match?

More so than ever before I have found myself being particularly nostalgic and reflective the past 7 weeks. This is largely due to having no other options as recovering from ankle surgery means there is a lot of time to sit on the couch and think about deep things. Of course out of boredom my thoughts have even managed to settle on wondering what type of thoughts were really going through my Cairn Terriers head. A large portion of this unwanted but unavoidable downtime has also been spent dedicated to teaching Benny and Sally stupid dog tricks. Learned something very important here...they will do almost anything for the right kind of treat.

When my mind is not drifting off to random unless thoughts, an equally large portion of my time has been spent trying to answer the very simple question, "what the hell am I doing with my life." Its a very simple question, but when there is not much else to do for 7 weeks, my mind tends to go into great depths answering this question. After 7 weeks of pondering and deep thought the answer is no closer than it was at the beginning of the quest for knowledge. However, one very key conclusion has been reached, I want things to be different.

For the past 6 years I have been fighting, not physically, and not with most people. Rather, for the past 6 years since losing Nicole a dark cloud of anger has covered nearly every thought and every part of my soul. Six years later and I do not even recognize the person I used to be before Nicole died. Before it seems that I am about to launch on a self-defeating trirade, let me make a disclaimer. That disclaimer is that I am proud of the growth I have made as a person and I feel I have dealt with and handled Nicole's death in the best way that I can. What I mean by the statement that I do not even recognize the person I am not compared to the person I was before Nicole died.

Somebody described me 8 years ago as an upbeat, positive, and outgoing person. 8 years later, I am more outgoing than I used to be. But, these days the glass always seems to be half empty. The glass was never even close to being half empty before Nicole died. This is where the dark cloud of anger comes into the picture. Over the past 7 weeks I have concluded that I am ready to stop 'fighting' with the world. For the first time in years I am seeing the glass as half-full again. Its a refreshing feeling.


So, the ankle. Knee surgery is far easier than ankle surgery. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. There really is not much to report until after my appointment on the 17th. After that things should start to progress a little bit more.

So in the meantime, I have spent the past few days making sure I can find my right shoes. They are lonely. On the downside, not I am going to have to make sure my socks match in the morning.