Much to say, not a lot of time or desire to type it right about now. So, this is the cliff's note version. The novel version will be later.

The Ankle: My ankle feels like its about 70% of the way back. Thats awesome at this point. I have no pain and the weakness is the only thing holding me back.

My Bucket List: I am going snow boarding January 29-31. So stinking excited. Thats one item to check off my list.

Back to School: Its official. I am back in school and I declared my major as biomedical science. I'll be getting a second bachelors degree. WooHoo. Even more excited about this than I am about the snowboarding trip.

Med School: Its part of the plan and its on my list of things to do. My biomed degree should take 2.5 years. Crazy part is that the planning and preparing to get into med school begins now. Fun stuff.

Tis all for now. My bed awaits me.

I believe in me

What an amazingly positive week. Every day has felt better and better. The pain in my toes is almost completely gone. Every now and then I get a slight bit of pain when I push off from my toes, but this is nothing compared to what it was even just a week ago. My toes were at risk for being removed a week ago.

All in all the pain is pretty much gone in my ankle. For the first time in 4 months my ankle is pain free and feeling good. There is definately an end in sight for all of this. I am even back to walking faster than everyone. On Wednesday my dad and I went to South Bend to search for new house furniture. My current mission is to start to replace my furniture piece by piece in the style that reflects my personality. We were in Value City Furniture roaming up and down the aisles and my dad kept telling me to slow down. It was nice to be able to walk faster than others once again!

So, the house project...If I were rich I would just go to the store and buy everything I need. But thats not an option, so its going to have to be piece by piece. My kitchen is pretty much the way I want it. My living room and bedroom are the next up to be redone. My couch is being replaced with two red leather chairs. I am getting ready to paint my walls white and then add geometric shapes for effect. the shapes will be bold colors. The coffee table is being replaced with a black leather ottoman/storage box. As for my bedroom...I hate wood and I hate antique. My new bed is a black platform bed. I need to find a new dresser as the current one is wood and antique. The only problem is that its my sisters old dresser and I cannot fully part with it. So I will put it in my guest bedroom. All of this is still a work in progress, but I am excited about all of it.

The other exciting thing? I am finally back in school!!!!!!!!! It only took nearly two years for me to make up my mind. Actually, its more accurate to say that it only took my entire lifetime for me to be confident enough with myself to actually follow my dreams. When I was in 9th grade our class did a career unit. The culmination of the unit was to write "Career" papers. I wrote mine on being a Doctor. But, I have never really believed that I could actually do something like that. The truth being is that my self-esteem was always very low.

My councelor and I have been working on how I can be more confident in myself as a person. The past few months have been trying, but at the same time I feel like strides have been made in this area. For the first time in my life I really do believe that this is something I can do. Its more than just believing that I am smart enough to go to Medical School, its something so much deeper. Its a feeling of believing that I can be me and that is enough.

So, me is back in school. Me is taking pre-med classes beginning in January. Me was an English major (can you tell based on my 'correct' use of me :)) I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But again, this is more than just believing that I have what it takes to be a Doctor...this is believing in me in every aspect of my life.

Yeah, its cool! :)

Pot of Gold

For the first time in the four months since my ankle injury happened I finally feel like there is an end in sight for this frustrating and wearisome journey. For most of the day today my foot and ankle felt normal, the pain was minimal to non-existant, and I did many of my 'regular' activities. I walked one mile on the treadmill at the gym, and I swam a mile. It felt incredibly good to walk a distance longer than the one from my house to my car. Swimming felt perfect, I was flying, and the cardio workout was much needed.

My activities are now solely focused around building up and strengthening my leg muscles. At first the thought of rehabbing without going through formal PT scared the crap out of me. Two weeks into the process its a lot less of a scary feeling. Actually, I am feeling more and more determined as each day goes by, which keeps me going at the gym. My this point, a full recovery is the only outcome that will be acceptable to me.

My bathroom mirror has July 31, 2010 written across it. That is the date of the Whirlpool Steelhead Triathalon...and I will be at both the starting line and the finish line a few hours later. It seems crazy to think about and I have had plenty of people remind me of exactly how much surgery I have been through, but its my dream. After all the surgery I have been through, being there and completing that triathalon would be just so much more meaningful and incredible. Its that dream that keeps me going, gets me out of bed in the morning. And if it does not happen in 2010...there is always 2011.

Even if tomorrow is more painful and not as 'normal' as today...it won't discourage me. My recovery is moving forward and progress is being made every day. Some days will be better than others and there will be small setbacks along the way. I can see the finish line...although I like to think of it more as the pot of Gold...

Dear Santa

Oh how the joys of the first few weeks of true rehab after surgery had escaped my mind. One would think it would be nearly impossible to forget the joys of trying to locate muscles that are long gone...but my mind seems to have completely blanked out those few joyous weeks. Its been a week without the walking boot and my memory has been painfully refreshed on how hard the first few weeks can be. That is why I will be asking Santa for a new peroneal tendon for Chirstmas. Starting with a new one has got to be less painful than dealing with this old, battered, bruised, and cranky peroneal tendon.

Surprisingly the majority of the pain is coming from my arch and toes. My theory is that those muscles have gone completely unused for so long that they too are atrophied. Every push-off with my toes makes me want to chop them all off. Again, not having toes is sure to be less painful than dealing with the pain of using my toes once again.

There is joy in swimming in the pool that no other activity can bring. This is the only time during the day that I can move freely and not have any pain in my ankle. Plus, the cardio workout is good for not only the body, but the soul as well.

There is still such a long way to go before my ankle even begins to resemble or act like a normal ankle. My calf is starting to show signs of coming back to life, but even that is a long way to go. The theme of this update is a long way to go. This journey is still so far from being over. I need to keep myself constantly encouraged. In the end all of this will be worth it.

step up, step down...and repeat

Yesterday was my 8 week post-op appointment from my ankle surgery. After all the worrying, it all turned out okay. There are a few minor issues, but nothing that won't resolve with time. Now the fun begins...go to the gym and locate those lost muscles.

Wasted no time in hitting the gym. Got home from Detroit at 6:30 and after and hour of tending to the doggies, headed straight for the gym. Its all about the basics right now. Walked a half mile around the track and got amazingly excited. It does not take much to excite me right now. Also worked on stepping up and down off a 4 inch step. This was the highlight of working out last night, it brings back oh so fond memories of rehabbing from knee surgery.

But the highlight of the night is reserved for the hour spent sitting on the floor of my closet trying on all of my shoes. It was so exciting to be able to wear both the right and left shoe that trying all my shoes on seemed to be a logical thing to do. The huge grin could not be dislodged from my face the entire night...it was pure bliss.

Okay, now would be a good time to trust God

I see Dr Manoli in two days and I am freaking out about the appointment. My ankle had been doing well until about 10 days ago. Then in the past 10 days the tendon has started to snap again, the pain is considerably more, and the ankle is generally behaving like it did before surgery. In talking to my surgeon it sounds like there is a good chance that the tendon or one of the other supporting structures got retorn. The recovery has been uneventful except for one incident that happened at 4 days after surgery. It looks like this incident may have cause the tendon to retear.

Whatever is going on its out of my control. I will try not to worry until I know what I am dealing with. Even if it means that this surgery has failed and the surgery needs to be repeated...I am going to try to remain calm. It will all work out in the end. I am trusting God on this one.

do these socks match?

More so than ever before I have found myself being particularly nostalgic and reflective the past 7 weeks. This is largely due to having no other options as recovering from ankle surgery means there is a lot of time to sit on the couch and think about deep things. Of course out of boredom my thoughts have even managed to settle on wondering what type of thoughts were really going through my Cairn Terriers head. A large portion of this unwanted but unavoidable downtime has also been spent dedicated to teaching Benny and Sally stupid dog tricks. Learned something very important here...they will do almost anything for the right kind of treat.

When my mind is not drifting off to random unless thoughts, an equally large portion of my time has been spent trying to answer the very simple question, "what the hell am I doing with my life." Its a very simple question, but when there is not much else to do for 7 weeks, my mind tends to go into great depths answering this question. After 7 weeks of pondering and deep thought the answer is no closer than it was at the beginning of the quest for knowledge. However, one very key conclusion has been reached, I want things to be different.

For the past 6 years I have been fighting, not physically, and not with most people. Rather, for the past 6 years since losing Nicole a dark cloud of anger has covered nearly every thought and every part of my soul. Six years later and I do not even recognize the person I used to be before Nicole died. Before it seems that I am about to launch on a self-defeating trirade, let me make a disclaimer. That disclaimer is that I am proud of the growth I have made as a person and I feel I have dealt with and handled Nicole's death in the best way that I can. What I mean by the statement that I do not even recognize the person I am not compared to the person I was before Nicole died.

Somebody described me 8 years ago as an upbeat, positive, and outgoing person. 8 years later, I am more outgoing than I used to be. But, these days the glass always seems to be half empty. The glass was never even close to being half empty before Nicole died. This is where the dark cloud of anger comes into the picture. Over the past 7 weeks I have concluded that I am ready to stop 'fighting' with the world. For the first time in years I am seeing the glass as half-full again. Its a refreshing feeling.


So, the ankle. Knee surgery is far easier than ankle surgery. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. There really is not much to report until after my appointment on the 17th. After that things should start to progress a little bit more.

So in the meantime, I have spent the past few days making sure I can find my right shoes. They are lonely. On the downside, not I am going to have to make sure my socks match in the morning.